How to Better Regulate Your Emotions | Dr. Marc Brackett

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A lot of people think emotion regulation is getting rid of a feeling. It’s not what it is. It’s just having another relationship to it. I’ve had anxiety or live with it for a lot of my life, but sometimes I just say hello to it. It’s like, “Hey, how you doing today?

” And it goes away pretty quickly or it just sits there. I think that’s the other thing about emotion regulation that people kind of misunderstand. They think it’s like, “I got to check in with how I’m feeling all day long and then regulate. Check in regulate. ” Like you’d become psychotic if you did that all day long.

Most of the time our emotions are in the background. You know, like if you thought about your feelings all day long, you wouldn’t be able to do this podcast. Like that’s unproductive. Emotions matter when there’s a shift in our environment or the relationships, you know. If you said something that offended me, boom, I’m activated.

I’m feeling angry or kind of shocked. Then I have to make a choice in that moment, like how do I manage it? That’s where the magic happens. Welcome to the Huberman Lab Podcast where we discuss science [music] and science-based tools for everyday life. I’m Andrew Huberman and I’m a professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine.

My guest today is Dr. Marc Brackett. Dr. Marc Brackett is a professor of psychology at Yale University where he is also the director of Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He’s an expert in the science of emotions and how to apply that to improve communication and relationships and performance in school and work.

One common problem around discussions of emotions and emotional intelligence is that they are often vague and frankly somewhat soft and cliche. But not when Marc Brackett explains emotional intelligence as he does today because he talks about the practical tools that emerge from the science of emotional intelligence that you can use to improve your emotional life both with yourself and with others. And he’s not just going to tell us to feel our emotions more deeply. While that could be important in certain settings, his His in and out of the laboratory is really focused on the small things that we can all do both in moments of emotion, but also on our own that can greatly increase our ability to understand what we’re feeling, communicate it effectively, and to be better listeners, especially in moments that would otherwise create tension or confusion. In fact, what he shares today are life skills, the sort of life skills that make everything, school, friendships, romantic relationships, professional life, and family life far more effective and enriching.

So, I’m confident that you’ll come away from today’s episode with Marc Brackett knowing what to do and when to use the tools that you’ll learn, and they are indeed very powerful to improve your life. Before [snorts] we begin, I’d like to emphasize that this podcast is separate from my teaching and research roles at Stanford. It is, however, part of my desire and effort to bring zero cost to consumer information about science and science-related tools to the general public. In keeping with that theme, today’s episode does include sponsors. And now for my discussion with Dr.

Marc Brackett. Dr. Marc Brackett, welcome. Thank you. Glad to be back.

So much to discuss today about emotion regulation, about the kids, the future. Are the kids all right? They could be better. Mhm. And our obligation, our generation, other generations in you know, providing a world where kids can thrive and where everyone can thrive.

It’s It’s a bit of a mess out there, but you’re going to put some clarification on things for people. You’re doing amazing work to give people tools for emotion regulation and more. So, let’s start off and define emotion regulation. What is that? Yeah.

Well, I think the simplest way to define it is using your emotions wisely to achieve your goals in life. It’s a little bit too broad. And so, it’s funny. As I was writing my book, I decided, I need a formula. And so, my formula is ER, which is emotion regulation, is a set of goals and strategies.

So, it’s ER {parentheses} G + S. And that equals a function of E + P + C. >> [snorts] >> You know, made me feel smart. Emotion Mhm. person, context.

Mhm. So, what I mean by that specifically is that it’s a goal-oriented process. You have to want to regulate. You can prevent unwanted emotions. I have an acronym for that, too.

It’s PRIME. You can prevent unwanted emotions. You can reduce the difficult ones. I think people forget the I, initiate emotions. Like, when you’re teaching or leading or presenting, like, you want to create an emotion in the room that’s upregulating.

You can maintain an emotion. Like, you know, what? I’m having a good day. Going to avoid these things to just keep it going. Savor the moment.

And then there’s enhancing, which is kind of boosting an emotion. So, that’s PRIME. That’s the goals. The strategies we can talk about for hours. Um, we’ll get into that a little bit later.

And then I think what most people misunderstand is that like, what we regulate are emotions. And like, what I do, for example, to deal with my anxiety is really different than my anger than my worry or other emotions. And that it’s a function of the emotion you’re feeling. It’s a function of me as an individual, you know. I am on the neurotic side.

Uh, I’m on the introverted side. And so, my strategy selection would be influenced by that. And then the context. Like, right here, right now. Like, I know you’re into fitness and like, running and, you know, all this kind of stuff.

I’m like, Andrew, you know, I’m really nervous right now. Like, do you mind if we take a break and I go for a run? You’re like, you know, it’s a little weird, Mark. So, context matters. You got to You’re like, right now, if I were anxious, it’s like, Mark, you got to use some cognitive strategies or breathing work.

I can’t go anywhere, so I’m stuck. And I think people need to see that kind of full spectrum. I feel like there’s a close tie between emotion regulation and self-awareness. Yeah, but I feel like there’s a tension between self-awareness and being able to experience and enjoy life. For instance, if I’m feeling anxious, I I’m thinking about how I’m appearing, how I’m sounding, that it’s uncomfortable.

Uh but if I get totally outside of that and just be in the experience that I’m in, uh then there’s the potential to say the wrong thing, or you know, uh offend somebody, or who knows. So, when we talk about emotion regulation, what’s the best approach to that that doesn’t keep us in a subtext in our mind and and sort of out of the room? Because when we’re alone, it’s quite a bit different. We can we can breathe, we can use whatever self-regulation tools we want. Or ruminate, uh or write, or you know, or text or call a friend, whatever it is, but when we’re at work, at school, uh on a podcast, if if there’s that subtext, like, uh I’m I’m not locked in here, I’m not in the experience completely, I’m I’m I’m self-regulating or paying attention to myself, that can be very uncomfortable in its own right.

It’s work. Yeah. It’s effortful. Uh and not always the best effort if it’s going down the rabbit hole. I think that you’re getting at, which is this mindset piece, that the first step is our mindset about our feelings.

So, let me ask you, what’s your mindset around anxiety? Mhm. Um I Well, I have assumptions around it. I was telling someone the other day, if because I spend a lot of time alone, and I’m fairly introverted, but if I go into a crowded environment, for the first 5 6 minutes, I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed, like, “Wow, it’s is crowded in here. There are a lot of people.

” And I I actually feel like I have a bit of a uh social interaction disorder for those first