How to Shape Your Identity & Goals | Dr. Maya Shankar
Summary
Dr. Maya Shankar, a cognitive scientist and former White House behavioral science advisor, discusses how identity forms, changes, and can be rebuilt after loss. Drawing on her own experience as a former Juilliard-trained violinist who suffered a career-ending injury at 15, she offers a science-supported framework for anchoring identity to why you do things rather than what you do. The conversation covers identity formation, motivation, awe, curiosity, and the psychology of change.
Key Takeaways
- Anchor identity to your “why,” not your “what” — tying identity to behaviors or roles makes it fragile; tying it to underlying drives (e.g., human connection, curiosity) makes it durable.
- Identity foreclosure — when parents, peers, or culture impose structures on young people, it can limit their sense of what they’re capable of becoming.
- When a defining role is lost, identity paralysis can follow — a state where imagining a future feels impossible.
- Shame vs. guilt: Shame says “I am bad/a failure”; guilt says “I did something bad.” Believing in fixed, immutable essences can fuel shame and block a growth mindset.
- Curiosity is a more reliable entry point into a new passion than trying to replicate the exact emotional high of a lost one.
- Intrinsic motivation can be undermined when external rewards are introduced for activities a person already loves (supported by research at Stanford’s Bing Nursery School).
- Awe requires two things: a sense of perceived vastness and a need for accommodation — integrating new experience into your existing mental model.
- Competitive environments can sever people from their intrinsic “source” of motivation; reconnecting to that source provides insulation from external noise and comparison.
- Creating opportunity often requires imaginative courage — making the “cold call” when no formal path exists.
Detailed Notes
Identity Formation in Childhood
- Much of early identity is shaped by observing what society privileges and what the people around us do.
- Identity foreclosure: Parents and peer groups don’t just model behavior — they impose structures that can limit a child’s self-concept and aspirations.
- Society consistently asks children “What do you want to be?” — reinforcing the idea that identity = occupation or role.
- Belief systems are also inherited from those around us during formative years.
The “What” vs. “Why” of Identity
- Anchoring identity to what you do (a role, job, or skill) makes it vulnerable to disruption.
- A more durable identity is anchored to why you do things — the underlying drive or value.
- Example: Dr. Shankar’s through-line across violin, cognitive science, public policy, and podcasting is human connection — not the specific activities themselves.
- Practical exercise: Strip away the surface features of something you love. What remains? That residual drive is likely your through line.
Identity Paralysis and Loss
- When a core identity-defining activity is lost (injury, career end, relationship loss), the result can be identity paralysis — feeling stuck, unable to imagine a future.
- Dr. Shankar’s body literally developed around the violin (elevated shoulder, mild scoliosis) — illustrating how deeply identity can be physically embedded.
- After her injury at 15, she felt a “dampening” of organic traits, including curiosity — showing that identity loss affects more than mood.
The Psychology of Essentialism
- Psychological essentialism: The widespread belief that people have fixed, immutable inner qualities.
- While a sense of self brings meaning and purpose, believing too strongly in immutable essences can:
- Generate shame (“I am a failure” rather than “I did something poorly”)
- Block growth mindset
- Lead to harmful self-narratives
- An alternative: humans may simply be collections of behaviors and thoughts — a framing that allows more flexibility and self-compassion.
Awe, Delight, and Finding Your Path
- Awe (per researcher Dacher Keltner, UC Berkeley) requires:
- Perceived vastness — physical, conceptual, or temporal
- Need for accommodation — the experience challenges your existing mental model, requiring integration
- Awe can have negative as well as positive emotional valence.
- Delight appears when awe transitions into seeing a place for yourself within the experience — a shift from passive observer to active participant (“I could do that; there’s a place for me here”).
- This transition — from awe to personal agency — can catalyze identity formation in new domains.
Rebuilding Identity After Loss
- Don’t seek to replicate the exact emotional high of a former passion — it sets an unreachable bar.
- Instead, ask: Am I curious enough about this to ask more questions?
- Curiosity is self-amplifying: it generates more questions, which generate more curiosity — an upward spiral with no natural endpoint.
- “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” — Dorothy Parker
- Validate curiosity by testing whether you enjoy the process of getting better, not just the idea of the pursuit.
Intrinsic Motivation
- Research from Bing Nursery School (Stanford): rewarding children for activities they were already intrinsically motivated to do undermines that intrinsic motivation.
- Children (and adults) thrive when they can lean into sensory experience without external benchmarks.
- Social media and elite performance content can create premature, demoralizing benchmarks that detach people from their intrinsic enjoyment.
Competitive Environments and the “Source”
- Competitive environments cause people to view themselves through a comparative lens, which can erode well-being.
- Reconnecting to the intrinsic “source” of motivation (a concept associated with music producer Rick Rubin) provides:
- Clarity and focus
- Protection from external judgment
- A foundation that feels “sturdy” regardless of external outcomes
- Two qualities Dr. Shankar identifies as core and uncapturable: deep curiosity and relishing the process of getting better.
Imaginative Courage and Creating Opportunity
- When no formal path exists, creating one requires imaginative courage.
- Examples from Dr. Shankar’s life:
- Her mother walking into Juilliard unannounced → impromptu audition → acceptance
- Cold-emailing the White House to propose creating a behavioral science advisor role — and then asking to fill it herself
- Worst realistic outcome of a “cold call” is rejection — the potential upside is disproportionately large.